A Space Of My Own

Last week I broke up with my partner of 4 years. Despite caring for each other a lot I felt that we had a lot of issues we avoided which led to where we are now.

Our relationship started off vague to say the least. We were part of the same friend group and got along pretty well so started hanging out together away from the larger friend group from time to time. Then, after a while, we ended up fucking. I think my feelings got complicated after that. I started to develop romantic feelings which she didn't reciprocate, but also didn't outright reject either. Looking back on things now, we probably should have cut things off here. But, I was scared and confused. This was the first time I had feelings this strong for anyone. I was worried this was the one chance I would get at loving someone. So, we continued. Once or twice a week I would visit her place, we would watch a movie, eat dinner, laugh and chat then have sex. Then, we decided to move in together.

We justified moving in together as an act of convenience more than anything. My rent was getting upped, and I was spending most nights at hers regardless. And she wanted to get out of her Shitty apartment. So we found an apartment that was more central and near a station and we moved in. Living together was awkward at first. We didn't really put too much though into how things were actually going to work. But over time we found a rhythm. It helped that we were both working full time so had things to keep us occupied. But to a degree we did kind of end up in the same routine we had before, just now instead of going to her house I would be going across the hallway to her bedroom.

I'm not sure at what point of us living together we decided to say we were actually in a relationship. I had been doing everything I could to support her through her transition and with medical issues she was facing. And eventually, she reciprocated the feelings I had for her.

At this point we became inseparable. We would do everything together, and I would put all of my time and energy into our relationship. I think to a degree I did realise I was letting everything else fall away. My hobbies, self-care, and even other relationships. But I didn't care, I was happy. We moved again, closer to the city this time. And started sharing a bedroom permanently, with a second bedroom as a shared office space. All of this ensuring we spent even less time by our selves.

I think things started to go downhill when I quit my job. There were some changes with management at work that were making me extremely stressed and depressed. So, at my partners suggestion, I resigned. For the next few months I spent most of my time job hunting and handling everything around the house. Since I wasn't leaving the house much during this time we ended up spending basically every waking moment together. And as this went on longer and longer I started to realised how drained I was. How much I missed having a place of my own. This became a very introspective time for me. I started to think about how I'd become trapped in routine and what I actually wanted. I did communicate these issues with my partner, and she did listen and tried to give me more space. I was also scared of making any big decisions and uprooting the relatively comfortable life we had. So things dragged on a bit longer, we went to Europe, I found another job, and we slipped back into the routines that were hurting us.

When that contract ended, I realised I needed things to change. We tried to talk things out more and make small changes. But in the end, the best decision was to end things. I didn't want to spoil all the good memories we had together by trying to drag things out. So, we decided to break up and go back to being friends. We're still living together but are now in separate rooms, which already feels much nicer. Like I have room to breathe and be myself again. Now I feel like I can truly start discovering myself again, and work myself out as an individual. Not just as part of a relationship. In this last week alone I've done so much and had so many new experiences by myself.

While it was a sad decision to make, and I have been feeling melancholic about it, I'm also genuinely relived and excited to see what comes next.